‘Winning a world championship is nothing compared to raising a kid’ Russian volleyball legend Ekaterina Gamova opens up about childhood trauma and postpartum depression

In a new interview, retired volleyball star Ekaterina Gamova opens up about her experiences with violence at training camps as a child and suicidal thoughts during her postpartum depression. Meduza summarizes what Gamova told sports blogger Vitya Kravchenko in their conversation, published on July 16.

Ekaterina Gamova retired in 2016 as one of Russia’s most celebrated and accomplished athletes. Competing on the national volleyball team, she won Olympic silver twice, won world and European championships twice, and captured the World Grand Prix. Playing for various teams, Gamova racked up more than 10 Russian championships. At international competitions, she was consistently crowned the tournament’s top performer. 

Gamova’s youth

Speaking to sports blogger Vitya Kravchenko, Gamova described the corporal punishment she experienced as a child at training camps. Her grandmother tried to cushion the pain by consoling her with Snickers bars — an arrangement that gave her happiness at the time. Today, however, Gamova says she looks back at these punishments and frowns.

Training to become an elite athlete, Gamova was also bullied in school. Classmates shoved her and teased her about her unusual height and build, calling her “giraffe” and “matchstick,” she recalled. For significant stretches of time, she stayed home from school entirely, too afraid and exhausted to endure another round of mockery. 

“When you find yourself in this situation every day, you just get used to it and try to detach yourself from it and not pay attention to it,” Gamova explained. Children who acclimate to this abuse, she added, “grow up as victims, and it’s difficult to shake that later on.” Gamova also credited her athletic success, her husband, and her family with helping her overcome the emotional weight of her childhood, which included her father abandoning her mother before she was born. 

What is ‘winning’?

Kravchenko asked Gamova if her views on winning have changed since she published her book, Game Over: Volleyball Continues, where she wrote that she didn’t consider finishing second or third in a competition to constitute victory. Gamova said her views here have softened, and she now looks at her medals differently. “I probably started to value all the achievements I had more, to treat them with respect, and appreciate the work that was put into them,” she told Kravchenko, saying that she tries to impart these sentiments to her son.

Gamova added that she isn’t grooming her son for championship sports. Knowing the “inside story” of professional competition, Gamova said the odds of success are so “negligible” as to be a matter of chance. “I just want to raise a happy, free person,” she said.

Athletes and politics

Without explicitly mentioning Gamova’s early criticism of Russia’s war against Ukraine, she and Kravchenko discussed whether athletes should broach the subject of politics when speaking publicly. Two days after the full-scale invasion began, Gamova called the war “a shameful page in Russia’s history.” In an Instagram story with the hashtag #nowar, she wrote: “Could I have stayed silent? Of course! But I’m ashamed and I’m scared. Just know that there are very many people in Russia who are against what’s happening. Forgive us.”

Speaking to Kravchenko, Gamova stood by her right to express herself publicly. “I’m speaking first and foremost as a person who just happens to have a large audience, but I’m not speaking in order to reach that audience. I’m just expressing myself, saying what I feel,” she explained. “I’m glad that I did it, because I’m honest with myself and I feel good in my soul. I think it’s right. I live with a clear conscience.”

Motherhood, postpartum depression, and suicidal thoughts

Gamova also described her experience with postpartum depression, calling it the hardest challenge she’s ever faced — harder than winning a world championship. “You hear about how when a child is born, it’s all these butterflies in your stomach, pink ponies, everything should be wonderful and happy, but you don’t feel joy because you’re not sleeping,” Gamova recalled. “You don’t belong to yourself, and you can’t go anywhere or somehow change your plans, right? Your life completely changes and becomes subordinate to one little person.”

Speaking with Kravchenko at a children’s playground and fighting back tears, Gamova acknowledged suicidal thoughts during her struggle with depression. She described the urge to jerk the steering wheel on the highway (“one turn and it would all be over”) and her fears that she would seriously injure herself without dying.

Gamova said the greatest danger for women experiencing postpartum depression is refusing to admit it to themselves. Once she managed this, she was able to seek therapy and communicate with her husband. “Don’t suffer in silence, don’t think that you’re not right, and don’t be afraid to talk about it,” said the volleyball star.

If you are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please know that you are not alone. Support is available. In the United States, you can call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or visit 988lifeline.org for confidential help 24/7. In the U.K., you can call Samaritans at 116-123 or email [email protected] for confidential support any time, day or night. If you’re outside these countries, please reach out to your local crisis helpline.