‘I can’t take this anymore. Forgive me, Mom.’ The final messages Russian soldiers sent to their families before dying at the front in Ukraine
Since the start of the Kremlin’s war against Ukraine, at least 120,000 Russian soldiers have been killed, according an estimate from Meduza and Mediazona. The true number could be even higher. Some of these men went to the front willingly, some were drafted, and others believed it was a way to avoid years in prison. Since 2022, Asiya Nesoyevaya, a journalist from Russia’s Republic of Tatarstan, has been gathering the final messages Russian soldiers sent to their loved ones before dying at the front. With the permission of their families, the independent outlet Holod published these letters. Meduza shares a selection, translated into English.
Ildar, 30, Mamadyshsky district, Tatarstan
My love, I just got out of the hospital, and things have changed in the unit. The commander’s orders are no more sick, lame, or wounded soldiers. The guys are terrified to even mention health problems — they’re immediately sent to [the front line in] Kharkiv with the refuseniks. A buddy from the second platoon had a leg wound that started to fester. They didn’t want to let him go [for treatment], but he insisted. He filed a report, basically. Spent five days in the hospital getting antibiotics and having the wound cleaned. When he came back, they threw him in the pit. The guy didn’t make it. They sent eight others with similar problems straight into the heaviest fire. It feels like everyone here has gone feral; there’s nothing human left. We’ll see what happens to me — my legs hurt, too. Tell Masha that I love you both very much.
Guzel, Ildar’s widow:
In the last three years, he started dyeing his hair all sorts of bright colors — green, blue, even yellow. Every Sunday, he’d go to church, and we started going with him. He was drafted into the war. He tried not to go, but they threatened him with prison. He died a year after being sent to the front. When I found out, I took a vow of celibacy. Our daughter is four; she’s still waiting for her dad to come home. I don’t even know how to tell her.
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Yevgeny, 25, Cheremshansky district, Tatarstan
We’re stationed near Hlyboke. We’re dying here in the trenches without food or water. Supplies are supposed to be brought by caravan runners, but they flat-out refuse because the Ukes hit us with drones day and night. Food and water just don’t make it through, and the runners are getting killed in droves. In twelve days in this hellhole, our guys dropped us one loaf of bread and a piece of rancid pork lard for four people. Who knows when we’ll get more. The worst part is the lack of water in this heat. We put out a zinc bucket to collect rainwater. I think in a couple of days, I’ll start hallucinating from thirst — or maybe I already am. I’m thinking of walking out to meet a quick death because I can’t take this anymore. Forgive me, Mom.
Darya, Yevgeny’s widow:
He was a true man. He took on responsibilities, saw them through, and understood the consequences of his actions. He never made excuses or shifted his duties onto others. He worked as a car mechanic and was one of the most dependable employees. He always wore blue — we used to joke that he was always all blue.
Denis, 22, Komi Republic
Mom, don’t call the commanders or try to find their numbers. I want to go home. Thank you for everything. We’ll meet again someday, and I’ll never let myself be broken. Mom, I’m sorry.
Yelena, Denis’s mother:
He never showed his emotions; he kept everything inside. He always tried to be the best. Even as a child, he was upset over getting B’s in school and felt like anything less than first place at wrestling competitions was a loss. He was empathetic, he was hurt by other people’s pain. When he was mobilized in October 2022, it was a tragedy for all of us. From the very beginning, he refused to go on missions — he never wanted to fight — so his fellow soldiers beat him.
Alexander, 37, Samara
They gave us four [all-wheel-drive minibuses] but none of them are any help to us. Despite repeated requests to at least bring ammunition halfway to the road, the commanders ignore us. And instead of them being used for their intended purpose, the rear personnel ride them into town. Things are even worse in the Ulyanovsk battalion. Out of eight UAZ vehicles, not a single one made it to them, and now the prosecutor’s office is involved. Any open complaints are treated as refusal to serve, which means being sent to Kharkiv, where it’s an absolute fucking shitshow.
Yelena, Alexander’s widow:
He was my closest and most beloved person. As a child, he went to music school and played the bayan. He dreamed of becoming a musician, playing in an orchestra, and graduating from the conservatory, but his parents didn’t let him. He became a metalworker instead. He dreamed of having children, but we didn’t have enough money, so he volunteered for the front in the summer of 2023. His parents, especially his father, feel guilty for not letting him become a musician.
Alexander, 29, Lipetsk
My friend, a contract soldier from Krasnouralsk, was blown up by a grenade. He lost his legs. We pulled back, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. For six days, he crawled toward us and finally made it, but another drone spotted him and got all of us.
It seems the drone tracked us during a rotation and hit all eight of us at once. According to the commander, it came from the village […]. It hit us hard — really hard. Looks like we’re all done for. I know I am. I just hope God forgives me for leaving my friend behind.
Zilya, Alexander’s widow:
He played guitar, smoked a lot, and told stories so captivatingly that you couldn’t help but listen. He wrote songs, and he was good with his hands — he could fix anything in the world. He chased after me from high school. He ended up at the front through mobilization; they drafted him even though I was pregnant. I gave birth to a little girl — she never met her dad.
Razil, 30, Yelabuzhsky district, Tatarstan
My dear, don’t worry — everything will be fine.
Yazilya, Razil’s widow:
Every Friday, he brought flowers for me and our daughter. After he was mobilized, he never wrote about the bad things — our family only got positive messages and photos with him smiling. He used to build LEGO sets with our daughter. Before he was drafted, they’d started putting together Hogwarts but didn’t get a chance to finish it. Now, our daughter refuses to do it without her dad.