Her: ‘Finally, a decent man.’ Him: ‘Show me your boobs.’ The Russian soldiers and civilian women looking for love online
After Russia’s February 2022 invasion of Ukraine, VKontakte — Russia’s answer to Facebook — saw a boom in online dating groups for women seeking relationships with soldiers. The promise of love and stability with a man in uniform has drawn many, but those romantic illusions often fall flat in the face of reality. Women have reported being duped into sending nudes or finding out their new boyfriends (or even long-time fiancés) have secret families. On the flip side, soldiers have complained of being scammed for money or feeling disappointed not to find the adoring, submissive partners they imagined. Meduza summarizes a Sever.Realii (a Radio Liberty project) investigation into what draws people to these groups and what goes on inside them.
Vasilisa, a 44-year-old from Russia’s Leningrad region, thought she’d found lasting love with a contract soldier serving in Ukraine. They’d first met in a military dating group on the Russian social network VKontakte. He showered her with flowers and gifts, and they even talked about marriage — until she discovered, to her horror, that he had multiple girlfriends across different cities and even a child.
Vasilisa’s story is common among women connecting with soldiers online. Many have been misled, tricked into intimate relationships, or persuaded into sending revealing photos, only to later learn the men were married with kids. Soldiers, meanwhile, report being targeted by women seeking money or offering sex services.
Marina from Omsk says soldiers frequently ask her for intimate photos. “I refused. It’s always the same routine: ‘You’re so beautiful, you look like my future wife. I’m an old soldier who’s never known love… Show me your boobs,’” she said. “They’d ask me to show this or that, and I’d block them right away,” adds Valeria from St. Petersburg.
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Since the war began, VKontakte has seen a surge in military dating groups, drawing tens of thousands of members. In some ways, these groups are like any other dating platforms: people post photos, share hobbies, and describe the kind of partner they’re seeking. But photos of soldiers in uniform tend to get big reactions. “Man, looking at you makes me want to cook borscht,” one woman writes under a photo of a man holding a gun. “Handsome,” and “Let’s chat,” write others.
Vasilisa, whose father was a career officer, didn’t give up on finding love in military dating groups even after breaking up with the “womanizer and alcoholic.” “We understand each other better; after all, I grew up in a military family. And, actually, I’ve already found someone,” she said. Her new partner is a marine. She worries about him being at the front, but he reaches out whenever he can to reassure her he’s safe. After learning about her past heartbreak, he gave her all his social media passwords to prove he has nothing to hide. “God finally gave me a decent man after all I’ve been through,” she said. “People say men like him are ‘reliable as a Kalashnikov.’”
Soldiers, too, report being scammed by women. Nikolai, who posted his profile in a VKontakte group, was quickly contacted by Nastya, who soon asked if he had a Sberbank account and then requested small amounts of money, claiming she needed it to order sushi. Nikita says that many women he chats with in these groups end up asking for money, often using stories about sick children or financial troubles. “I block them immediately,” he said.
“You start having a normal conversation, and they immediately play on your sympathy — one had a broken phone screen, another claimed she was trapped in debt,” said Dmitry, another serviceman. “We’re here living on our own dime, and you’re asking soldiers for money. Aren’t you ashamed?”
Artyom has been active in these groups for a long time but hasn’t found anyone he considers worthwhile. “We need young, capable women who are ready to build a life with a soldier and have lots of kids, fulfilling the president’s directive, and, of course, enjoying the privileges and support that come with the brotherhood of servicemen,” he complained.
Many of the women in these groups say they’re looking for love and stability. Elizaveta, a 35-year-old from the Tyumen region, is searching for a “real man,” while Olga, a 51-year-old from Rostov, dreams of finding a serviceman who can provide her with reliability, protection, and support. Ksenia from St. Petersburg says she admires the heroism, bravery, and resilience of the men on the front lines. “It excites the female imagination!” she said.
But Nadezhda, whose husband has been on the front for two years, believes these women don’t fully understand the brutal reality of war or the challenges that come with it. “The media has created this Rambo-like image of soldiers, where scars only add to their allure. Women think they’ll get a wealthy, rugged protector. But in reality, a man returning from war — or, worse, discharged — often needs rehabilitation and long-term treatment. Health problems and psychological issues surface once they’re back in civilian life,” she said.
A psychologist from the Without Prejudice project echoes this, noting that the glorification of soldiers has distorted public perception. “The heroic aura surrounding these men is manufactured and relies on the fact that most people have no real understanding of what happens on the front lines or what heroism actually looks like,” the psychologist explained. “In ordinary life, the same actions would be seen as extreme cruelty, but propaganda reprograms that image and glorifies it. A soldier is always seen as a protector, that ‘rock-solid wall’ you want to be behind. And PTSD symptoms don’t seem as alarming in a society where domestic violence has been normalized.”